Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
