someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
