explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
