Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
