My sheets look like a crime scene.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
