life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
