Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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