I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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