He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
