Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
