we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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