Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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