you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
