I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
