Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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