Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
