your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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