If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
