So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
