I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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