Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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