you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
