I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
