Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
