I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
