If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
