You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
