...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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