the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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