I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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