I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
