You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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