Capitaan dildo arrescate!
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
