i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
