last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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