A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
