Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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