I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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