Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
