My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
