why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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