Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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