She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
