Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
