I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
