i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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