allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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