I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
