There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Randomize
