he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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