shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
