Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
