Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
