i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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